Week 1 or Weak One?

I'm not someone who enjoys exercise at all! But I'm tired of feeling tired! I want to sleep without medical assistance! Not feel so weak - no muscles! Soooo...I decided to hire a personal trainer to get motivated about getting into better shape. I convinced my friend SV to join me (insert evil laugh). Monday night was our first session and Angela told me we were just going to assess where my body is to start. I'm here to tell ya I am fricking out of shape! I seriously couldn't run for 2 minutes or do 1 REAL sit up! I feel like a total weakling! But it is a place to start - the ultimate "before" picture! I have worked out this week more than I have in the last 6 months. My stomach hurts, arms are sore and my thighs are still on fire from the crunches Angela had me do! Did I mention my ass hurts when I try and sit on the toilet?? I know, I know...TMI! SV and I decided that brutal honesty/no BS would be the requirement for this to work - so food choices, workouts and self-esteem/love are out there, no lying to each other or ourselves. Stay tuned...

Achy Breaky Heart...

Feeling the self-pity today. Missing my Holly girl - she is so far away :( The eternal parental conflict of wanting your kids to be all they can be but also wanting them to stay close to home safe and secure is raging huge in my heart tonight. Holly has been gone for a couple of weeks and I'm missing her so much. She really is such a big part of my life - I feel kinda lost without her here. Technology is amazing with Skype, Facebook and texting I feel like she's so close..but I miss giving her hugs and getting them from her, I miss how she smells and seeing and hearing her laugh...jumping in my bed and just cuddling and talking (she still does that at 19 years old!)...hoping tomorrow is a better one...I luv you Hols...Mommy

Body Breakthrough or Total Insanity?

So I've been working on the ole body image thing for some time now. Insecurity has played a major role in how I feel about my body. So today I took the bikini by the balls! I gave my insecurity a big F--- You! I went and bought a bikini and wore it on the beach...downtown HB in the summer! And you know what??? I totally almost cried! But...no one screamed out that there was a whale on the beach, no one threw up when they looked at me and I have kinda cool tan lines from the day. Now...I'm not totally crazy I did lay down almost immediately after I took off my cover up and managed to hold off a few panic attacks! Holly and Ashley were there to support me...telling me I looked hot - stretch marks and all! I think they're pretty awesome :) I don't know if I'll do it again but I have to say it was pretty empowering - staring a major fear in the eyes and telling it to suck it! Ladies - throw on those bikinis and let's go to the beach!

I feel like the biggest loser...

So I started my get healthy plan earlier this year and I have done great, I've lost 17lbs and have kept it off for 3 months. Buuuuuuuuuuuut...I need to lose some more and I really need to exercise. I have been on a super frustrating plateau for about 2months - literally have only lost like 1-2 lbs...and really that's just the normal fluctuation I think. So I'm gonna try and jump start - Purchased the Biggest Loser 30 day jump start book - recipes and exercise book and will continue to track what I eat. Other than the frustration, I also feel weak...I really want to feel strong and toned along with losing weight. I know better than anyone that losing a lot of weight w/out getting toned only makes you thinner and super saggy!! Has anyone seen my arms or my thighs? I hate to say it, but I think some free-weights are in my future! And I have NO core muscles...anyone who's seen me naked can attest to that (none of you should be able to say you have)!

I'm not UNhappy with where I'm at... But I feel like it's in me to keep it going. Some of you may know that 8 years ago this week I had gastric bypass surgery. It was a success as I lost more than 100lbs and kept it off for those 8 years. However, I'd really like to get off the last 25lbs and gastric bypass isn't gonna help with that. I hate to exercise and it's sooo hard to make healthy choices. But I'm on the right road and am feeling motivated...wish me luck!

I'm Baaaack :)

Ok so I lost my blog mojo for awhile but I'm feeling motivated to write tonight so here I am...like it or not. Recently a friend preached on the "If Only"...it really touched something in me. I know I have lived a lot of my life in the if only. How many times have I thought or said If only I was thinner, if only we had the money, if only he'd listen to me... then...fill in the blank. She said that living in the if only prevents us from celebrating God's gift of today. And it is a gift. So today I am grateful for the opportunity to pray for our work team, volunteer at a swim meet my daughter wasn't even in, dinner with a good friend and a movie that made me laugh. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

Life could be a romance novel...

I love romance novels. Total girl porn...and I don't just mean the sexy parts(although they don't suck!). I love the impossible circumstances of the "meeting". The attraction that is so strong neither party can control themselves around the other person. The way the characters always end up together with a love that lasts forever. Sounds like an impossible dream...but it could happen! I look at my relationship with the hubby and there are days when it feels like I'm living in one of my favorite books (Jordan calls them "thighburners" just for the record). We just seem to click - days where we really make each other laugh, are affectionate and thoughtful to each other. I think I owe to both of us to figure out what makes these days happen. Do I lose anything of myself by being thoughtful and accomodating to his wants? Making him feel special makes me feel good. Why don't I do this everyday? I know our marriage is full of love and friendship that will last forever (20+ years already :)...so I'm gonna do everything I can to make it a great romance too!

I Should Wear a Spandex Unitard Everyday...

This week I have felt as vulnerable as if I went to work wearing a Spandex unitard! Giving up things in my life that comfort me and protect me has made me feel open and exposed.(not Diet Pepsi and bagels - although not having these things have made me a little edgy!!). Emotions have been bubbling up at the surface and I've really had to be aware of them - nothing worse than an emotional girl spinning out of control (right guys??). I've had to hear from a friend she is moving away, work has been extremely stressful/busy, and I am really feeling the empty nest - missing Hols so much. However, I also feel in tune with my emotions and have had some great talks with friends and family that have made it worth it, made me feel stronger for it. Sharing myself with people I love is a gift for me and for them. Is it better to bury and ignore the emotions running through me or acknowledge them even when they are painful or uncomfortable. In trying to be my authentic self only the latter could be my answer. When the tears start coming don't worry...it's just a case of "crybabyitis"!